Dan Roberts                                                                                                                                                                         Nasty Troll

In which the Big Billy-Cote Bluff learns the error of his ways

 

Dan Roberts woke from his slumbers. Something had roused the old ghost; his life had been far too quiet since his wonderful castle had been closed down.

   “What now?” mumbled the old man, scratching his large nose; a nose that had won him many competitions, and sitting up, he put on his black pot hat, “what now?”

   He peered over the turret wall, down into the Market Square , and somewhat to his surprise, saw a large goat prancing up and down the square, thrusting his head in the air as though to make it known to all, that he owned the place. Dan Roberts’ ghostly form drifted over the turret and slowly sank down the castle until he settled comfortably on a low wall outside the castle door.

   “Well who do you think you are?” called Dan Roberts.

   The goat came to an abrupt halt; he looked around snorting in confusion.    “Well,” asked Dan Roberts once again, “who do you think you are?”

   “I am the Big Billy-Cote Bluff and my friend Nasty Troll has given me permission to take charge of this Market Square and the Town Hall. I have been told that no-one except, a few of the locals, wants to care for it; so I am taking over. But I still can’t see who you are, or where you are!”

   “I don’t think you need to because you are talking to the very person who has been haunting this Town Hall for many decades, and to keep you guessing as to my identity is the best weapon I have. Anyway do you think it will be a good idea you being in the Town Hall. You prance around, but you have been doing it for ages, and all it has done is to upset an increasing number of locals.”

   “Well,” replied the goat struggling for a satisfactory reply. “It is a question of keeping everyone guessing; moving the goal posts! My friend Nasty Troll is very good at that too, he likes to keep everyone on the hoof.” At this point Big Billy-Cote Bluff just trotted around the Market Square quite baffled at what to say next. “You see, soon we will have this Market Square full of tables and chairs. We will be like the king in the castle; all the other places will be under our sway! Domination of this part of town, that’s our aim. When I met up with Nasty Troll he taught me a lot; simply by sitting under the bridge he kept control of whatever went on! So we will sit in the Town Hall and do the same.”

   “Nobody’s going to like you if you do that!”

   “What do I care? My friend Nasty Troll doesn’t care either.”

   “Yes, but I care,” chimed in a child’s voice, and turning round in astonishment the ghost and the goat saw a little boy holding a little music bag. “I care because I want to go into the hall and practice on my instruments, see my bag; inside I have got a recorder, an ocarina, and a mouthorgan.”

   “And I want to practice on my ukulele!” said a little girl by his side.

   “Bravo you two!” burst in Dan Roberts. “Well said.”

   “Thanks,” said the little boy.

   “You look very grand in that beautiful uniform,” said the little girl, “Are you Dan Roberts, the ghost? You used to look after the hall a long time ago.”

   At this point in the conversation the Big Billy-Cote Bluff could bear it in no longer, and butting in as goats do, he said, “What on earth are you talking about, there is no one there. It’s a ghost, and all he does is to comes out with is a load of old rubbish. That kind of stuff is history. He was alive once, but he is dead now!”

   “You must be blind,” said the little girl, “he is wearing a beautiful blue coat, with gold buttons, black shoes with silver buckles, and he is wearing a black pot hat, with a gold band, and he has a big, big nose!”

   Slowly the befuddled brain of Big Billy-Cote Bluff began to make out a shape as though it was coming out of the past to meet him. Shrinking back the Big Billy-Cote Bluff watched terrified as the form of Dan Roberts came bit by bit into the present moment.

   As the shape became more and more real, Dan Roberts could be heard to say, “well it wasn’t for that big fat Nasty Troll sitting in his ivory tower lost in the world of woolly dreams then you would not have even had a chance of taking this wonderful castle from me, the townsfolk and this boy and girl here. Sneer at the past and say ‘That’s history!’ but don’t forget that these two children are the future. Why do you and your friend Nasty Troll want to take away their future? They could have been making very good use of the place at this very moment if it wasn’t for you and that Nasty Troll. You can’t keep fooling the people all the time; they are going to see through what you are doing.”

   “Well I spoke to our Chief Herder the other day and he is quite happy to see things going the way Nasty Troll and I are planning,” the goat replied but in a rather less aggressive tone. Things were not turning out the way he would wish. Dan Roberts and his two young friends were beginning to show him a side of life that made the aims of the Nasty Troll, low, mean and grasping.

   “Well at the moment there is total confusion and those who haven’t had the wool pulled over their eyes are finding it very hard to believe a single word that you and your Nasty Troll are saying. Demolishing these ancient arches, glazing them over, and cutting a large hole between the floors and trashing the historically custom-designed acoustics, that is hardly ‘sympathetic!’”      

   The Big Billy-Cote Bluff found this too hard to swallow, and not knowing what to say hung his head in embarrassment. He suddenly had a thought and instead of answering the point went onto say, “all Nasty Trolls like is food. He has even created something called the Big Nibble.”

   “The Big Nibble!” exclaimed Dan Roberts and the two children, all chocking in astonishment.

   “What is the Big Nibble?”

   “Well,” said the goat, choosing his words thoughtfully, “it’s a kind of eating festival where everyone gets the chance to nibble at some food.”

   “Sounds like it’s a festival for large mice! What! Do they all squeak when they like something?” said the little boy laughing.

    “Yes,” said the little girl, “all that Nasty Troll wants to do is to fill his big fat tummy with food; there other things in life than food.”

   “There is music, the arts, painting, dancing,” added the little boy.

   “That’s what Trolls do; sit there and get fatter and fatter. They’re no good to anyone!” continued the little girl.

   “When you get into that hall I will really be able to start work on you,” said Dan Roberts mysteriously.

   The Big Billy-Cote Bluff came to a stop, “What do you mean?”

   “Can you see who you are talking to?”

   “Well, I am beginning to!”

   “I am Dan Roberts, the former custodian of this great building for the Duke of Norfolk. The clothes I am wearing is the uniform of my office as custodian of the town hall. I have been haunting the place since the 19th Century waiting until it is returned to something of its former glory. All you and Nasty Troll have on offer is an abomination. You are not in it for the welfare of the community but for your own sordid profit. Magic is in the air and you are banging your silly great head against it and getting no where.

   From the very moment you start putting your sticky hooves on this castle of mine then trouble will begin to unfold, and terrible trouble too! The locals know this building and love it, and whatever they try here works, but you have not a chance. Beware Big Billy-Cote Bluff. Beware that Nasty Troll! Why not be like a real Big Billy-Cote Bluff and kick him from here to kingdom come.”

   The goat sat back on his haunches looking at the two children, at the tall majestic building in front of him, and finally at the figure of Dan Roberts who had appeared so mysteriously out of the past, but who now stood just as real as the rest of them.

   “Well,” said Big Billy-Cote Bluff, “the Nasty Troll almost beat me this time and would have done so if it hadn’t been for you three. Why should I follow the bidding of a Nasty Troll? Each time he has tried to trick me so that he can be in charge and rule the roost. I am not going to have it this time. Why should I have to pay for the privilege of following his rule? Why should the children have to be denied the right of using this great building and why should Dan Roberts be denied the right of resting in peace once his job has been done?”

   “I gave the Nasty Troll a good kicking last time, and I am going to do it again. Thank you Dan Roberts, and thank you children. The future of the town and your beloved hall is obviously important to you, so I’m off to find multiple homes elsewhere.” And with those words the Big Billy-Cote Bluff trotted off with a bright sparkle in his eyes.

And they all lived happily ever after – apart from the Nasty Troll that is!

 

(Dan Roberts lived from 1757-1831, and was the custodian for the Duke of Norfolk .
He is referred to in Reminiscences of Horsham by Henry Burstow, in which his portrait can be found.

The illustration at the top is based on that portrait by Henry Burstow’s father.

The other book is A Millennium of Facts by WJ Albery).